We've all felt that.
May. 16th, 2014 10:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
notapilotIt took a few weeks until Sam ever spoke up in the group therapy classes his VA councilor had suggested for him. It wasn't that he didn't have anything to say, he had plenty. No, it was that everyone else's story was so much more painful than what he went through.
Like Amanda who had been clearing a field of mines only to turn around, after thinking all was clear, to see a local kid run out and find the one mine she missed. Or Pietro who lost his whole fireteam to a faulty M60 that got dropped inside a tank. Or Jacob whose squad had all been taken out in an ambush. Or Erica whose team deserted her behind enemy lines.
Compared to their pain, what was his?
But he finally did speak. Since everyone else had shared their stories, peeling back the shell to expose the raw wounds with words, he couldn't help feeling that he owed it to them.
"I used to be a para jumper," he began hesitantly, trying to stick with the facts so he didn't embarrass himself. "Me and my partner, Riley, had so many jumps behind us, it was like we were untouchable. Jump in. Fly out. Keeping it simple so there were no screw ups. Till one night mission. Same old, same old. Fly in, do the jump, fly out. But this time a RPG tagged him. We'd faced fire before, of course, but we got through it. Not this time. And all I could do was watch as my wingman, my brother, screamed his life out into the night."
"I know this is nothing compared to what you guys have gone through..." He added before being interrupted by the speaker.
"Sam, there are no scales here. All our stories matter."
"OK." He said as he felt the weight of the guilt again, choking his words. But he forced them to continue. "Afterwards, I just couldn't do it anymore you know? If I couldn't save the guy closest to me, what was the point?"
"The worse part is." Tears started then but he didn't notice. "The worse part is, I'm glad it wasn't me. What the hell kind of sick person am I that I'm glad it wasn't me?"
"One that's human, Sam," Amanda said after giving him a few moments of silence. "We've all felt that. You aren't alone."
After that, it was much easier and his healing finally began.
Like Amanda who had been clearing a field of mines only to turn around, after thinking all was clear, to see a local kid run out and find the one mine she missed. Or Pietro who lost his whole fireteam to a faulty M60 that got dropped inside a tank. Or Jacob whose squad had all been taken out in an ambush. Or Erica whose team deserted her behind enemy lines.
Compared to their pain, what was his?
But he finally did speak. Since everyone else had shared their stories, peeling back the shell to expose the raw wounds with words, he couldn't help feeling that he owed it to them.
"I used to be a para jumper," he began hesitantly, trying to stick with the facts so he didn't embarrass himself. "Me and my partner, Riley, had so many jumps behind us, it was like we were untouchable. Jump in. Fly out. Keeping it simple so there were no screw ups. Till one night mission. Same old, same old. Fly in, do the jump, fly out. But this time a RPG tagged him. We'd faced fire before, of course, but we got through it. Not this time. And all I could do was watch as my wingman, my brother, screamed his life out into the night."
"I know this is nothing compared to what you guys have gone through..." He added before being interrupted by the speaker.
"Sam, there are no scales here. All our stories matter."
"OK." He said as he felt the weight of the guilt again, choking his words. But he forced them to continue. "Afterwards, I just couldn't do it anymore you know? If I couldn't save the guy closest to me, what was the point?"
"The worse part is." Tears started then but he didn't notice. "The worse part is, I'm glad it wasn't me. What the hell kind of sick person am I that I'm glad it wasn't me?"
"One that's human, Sam," Amanda said after giving him a few moments of silence. "We've all felt that. You aren't alone."
After that, it was much easier and his healing finally began.
